Who am I?

Allow me to introduce myself. Horror and scares everyone. My name is William Morse aka Eric Patterson. I wrote some Saturday the 14th books in the mid-90s, y'know, which I feel I should be given a huge amount of credit for. I also wrote a book that is a blatant rip-off of the fabulous British tv show All Creatures Great and Small, about a time-travelling vetinary surgeon who helps intergalactic cows give birth to their young. I also fleshed out a screenplay originally written by my associate Derrick Old, and turned it into a novel entitled I'm a happy bunny, come play in the flowers with me. Alrighty then, I am most famously known for my, y'know mispronounciation of the word Morse, obsessing over the famous twins Michael and Ashton Kutcher and blaming all my mistakes and obsessions on that, errrrr y'know fantasy creature that lives under the errrrrrrr bridge in the Three Billy Goats Gruff fairy tale. I am allowed to bully people and call them bitches, tweeds and fat small pieces of shit, y'know, but if anyone dares critisize me, they will definitely get called out in one of my awesome video blogs, where I proceed to wobble my chins, show off my stained t-shirt (I love gravy people. If I could put it on all my clothes, I totally would) and generally make the whole world laugh at me. So anyways, I am NOT Sam Hull aka Sam Smith aka Frosty. I do not know who he is, but he is not worthy of my time. Nor do I know who Allen Elbertson is, or Dani Carnage. They obviously aren't Johnny Derp (who is a longtime friend and associate of mine) so why should I waste my time with them?
Now you know the real me. I am honest, I rarely make things up (can you see what I did there?) and I love my Subways! But I will eat anything that is put infront of me, including small animals and children. So, remember, keep America strong, watch me eating Subways and sweat when you eat, just like me.